Sunlight Depression or the eternal chesterfield surfer.

I really hate what many consider happy which is sunlight and blue skies. I feel like I wanna puke and such. What would be the point of me enjoying it. No one will know I cared about it. My anxiety levels are just so high in these times. I have this urge to buy whiskey and sit in the park and drink and laugh with drinking buddies. Explain quantum field theories to them. And we’d laugh. There was a goal to get drunk and tell stories and laugh. After that was gone I have no one with me daily. I rarely laugh always sad. I have no where to go. No one calls me to say, let’s do something. I basically have to force someone to come have coffee with me. I know I forced them to so it say nothing. I run into these people every time I am in Saskatoon and they are nice to me. I tell them I don’t drink anymore for some reason. Mostly because of societal norms and stereotypes. I am still considered a drunk since the indian thing.Most Canadian know indians drink lysol. It is a fact!

I really can’t know what to write now. Houseless as usual the eternal chesterfield surfer. I never had a home in my live. Home is some place I feel comfortable and want to be. You see I grew up in a house of alcohol. I left to a house of alcohol. I avoided this by being at school and never wanting to leave. I woke up to fights screaming and such fun things. This is normal for me. It is the home for me and I abandoned it for a boring life alone and sitting pretending to do advanced maths in string theory. Both will never be appreciated. I can’t even afford to sleep I am just a surfer and feel uncomfortable in someone’s home. An imposition.  Remember you are not God you don’t have to rest on sunday.

I really don’t understand this whole sobriety thing. It is actually much worse than being drunk in the park and puking and such. It is the water of life. I lost a bat ridden, floated water damaged suite to depression and alcohol. Without it I can’t even get a place. So what to do. Damned if you do and such and such. The game where you must pick what is good for yourself and not for others. There are no chipins for sobriety. Chipins are funds combined by various parties to obtain alcohol and shared. Sometimes the one with money buys and shares. Reciprocal altruism is used. People choose the paths that grant them the greatest rewards for the least amount of effort. That’s the law of nature… No of that exists in sobriety just sharing pain and no one wants that. If I don’t drink again it is because I never lived long enough. Something like that. There is also the Hangover Soup consisting of Ground Beef, Macaroni, Tomato soup, Vegetable Soup, frozen mixed vegetable.  Boil and enjoy with bannock and hair of the dog.

You know native people eat crappy foods such as grease bannock and fried flour with sugar, jam, and more. Pure calories to sit and watch tv. I used to eat healthy when I was an unknown four minute miler. It was all vegetables and fruits and carbs for energy. It was expensive foods. Healthy food is for the rich. I eat potatoes and sugar. The key ingredients in vodka. Bread has gluten and yeast and such, the ingredients for whiskey, beer and such. I guess the veggies is the bloody mary. ok of topic again. who cares? who reads this crap anyways? Blue skies make me sad. It is entirely unpleasant.

update on wasteland: http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/story/2013/07/28/canada-alberta-oil-bitumen-canadian-natural-resources-primrose-lake.html     note that cbc has closed the comment section!!!