That’s what I said. I got up at 1pm today and i feel like fuck you world I can do what I want. I have nothing to live for, just this blog and a coffee and then I sleep again. This is a very sad life according the conformists of society. I own nothing but this computer and some clothes. Of course the books mostly in maths so I have nothing to talk with people, if I even see someone, about. My other books where burned here, I did not live there but I left my books there, they are heavy to carry around. I enjoy this internet since I really don have to meet people. No human contact but me hiding behind the screen and thinking that there is actually someone out there reading this crap. I guess the only good thing about the internet is porn, netflix, youtube, arxiv, and torrent. Those people sent me another book today. Introduction to Compact Riemann surfaces and Dessins d’Efants. I remember holding this long ago in the library and didn’t open it.
No one is ever there to guide me through life, just mostly towards death. Nothing actually happens in my life I just sit and read and then sleep. This is in a dark basement with mould. I have this breathing problem but I sit outside and it goes away. I was about to go to saskatoon but no go. No mo money. So I suppose back to sleep and then shower. I think I’ll abandon my macbook for a month to see what that is like. I have to entertain myself with getting a charger for my music player. To get books from library. This is a plan. I guess this is me in suicidal depression again. I really need a place for my own to sit and write and think about things. The problem is I have absolutely no money to pay for anything. If I could get money somehow I would have to deal with racist landlords in saskatoon who never rent to prairie niggers. Oh yeah ,I did get a donation of chocolate from a mart here yesterday. One year of not drinking too. That is suppose to be a good thing. I did have a sip on august 14 of last year but that was an accident. I thought it was my pop. It was whiskey and rye. I don’t count that since I spit it out. I just didn’t drink the summer so I don’t recall my actually last drink. There is a reason for me stopping but it is not for me. I find it easy to stop or pretend I am drunk. So If anyone want to get a hold of me use the email percylpaul@gmail.com and Ill send you my cell phone number. In case someone actually believes in helping another human being. I don’t want to be like last year living under the bridge and sleeping in the bush behind the bessborough hotel or behind the education building on campus. This was disgusting. I found a sweater in a back alley and washed it in the river and wore it since. People thought it was very nice. I finally told the story of how I got it. M was kind of sad about that. I suppose I find it bad to except donations of any kind. I typically don’t pan handle because If I want food I go to the Friendship Inn on 20th and I eat. But the problem is that there are no places to sleep in saskatoon that is quiet and no one will call the police. In parks it is ok during the day but its tough since the bright sun or rain and noise.
Im back the neighbour knocked on the door asking for smokes. I had smokes for offerings to elders etc and bartered for bacon and 3 eggs. I suppose I’ll save that wunderbar for later to enjoy as I watch a movie. The other bad thing is the seizures I get are scary to wake up from. Not wake up become conscious again. Sore back and neck. I guess they are partial complex seizures but who cares I get meds for them that are very addictive. I take them once I see auras and if you ask the doctors they say they don’t know how to stop it but can give meds that in turn give me mania. So I take the benzos. In the winter I had a seizure outside the library and I was on the ground shaking. I suppose people just waked by with no empathy or care. So from this little incident I decided all people in saskatoon the same. I have never been wrong once. I even got a coffee card from an artist in toronto in exchange for a photo I had. I walk into star bucks and ask the person, “Do you serve native people in here?” She assured me they did. Living in fear in a city is a total violation of freedoms in a society; the fear of police and fear of citizens. They said they got rid of that in southern states. I doubt it. It is the same here and other parts of north america. I think the best place this might not happen is in trees where there are no humans.
we have something called Charter of Right and Freedoms and Section 9: freedom from arbitrary detention or imprisonment. and Section 7: right to life, liberty, and security of the person. I think they meant this in Sarcasm. and further sarcasm: Fundamental freedoms (section 2), namely freedom of conscience, freedom of religion, freedom of thought, freedom of belief, freedom of expression, freedom of the press and of other media of communication, freedom of peaceful assembly, and freedom of association.
Sounds good on paper but in life freedom of expression means psych ward for talking loudly in the public. Oh well suffrage is not an option as there is no choice. Liberals, Reform, NDP they are just recycled from previous government. So governments defined by action and not words(since it is more important what you do than say) is tell scientist to shut the fuck up on climate change and pollution of waters. Give a fat senator 90K to shut up about his lies. Brazzoo goes to jail and he is a CONServative for beating up a chick. Enough politics.
Anyways a kid with low melanin is invited to a thing by brown people in a town called Onion lake. He is walking across canada thinking it is a safe place, wildlife and townlife and city life as safe things. His stuff was stolen and burned on the town or reserve. Obvious humans that did this is brown. So when I was in grad school in physics I was running mostly everyday. I was very tired. So one time I did a run of going up and down a hill for about an hour. This is tough workout. So I napped by a campsite by campus and river. I woke up and my backpack was gone. My books and notes and computer gone. Two years of thesis typing and computing things gone. I was heart broken but I started again. Then one time last year walking to my sister and I got mugged with a glock and all my stuff was taken along with my little bit of cash and mp3 player. This laptop was in the pawnshop. The guy was non-brown. The good thing is that last year I asked if Brainsport.com could provide me with used shoes to run a race called the Boogie. They said they can and Brian who I used to race in undergrad gave me shoes for free and they was new. and running shorts. SO that was good.
But this is one exception but remember only mathematicians and chicks seen me in the hospital only after much coaxing. Most we’re ex girlfriends. The one I was most impressed at was an unknown bank teller when I cashed a cheque and she said to eat pita instead of rotten ronnies. I said come see me at the Dube Centre at RUH and that evening she did. 4 times. So I banged her and left. Kidding. I phone her once in a while to see how she is doing. That was three years ago. oh well I rather talk about the things that made me happy like that time I met Jane on broadway. I really need hope in my life Hope is not a good thing for me as it makes me do unhealthy things like pretend I can work. I can’t work I have tried. This is a fact tested over and over again. I went to interviews and nothing. I have to find a way to make money to eat and a place to sleep. I could write but that button for paypal is not working. Come someone click it and tell over people in the world. I am panhandling online now. You are not in Saskatoon you can be nice to brown people. It is ok. Mmmm Good bacon and eggs.
This book is very nice to read. So I have three books on Dessins. Humanity is apathetic and self serving. So help me out dude. Ill keep up this work if this macbook is still in my possession.
I was gonna write a poem about Jane.
Poem for Jane.
I said, “Hey, you scottish descendant?”
Yes, I seen you before in a picture from 1930′s
Got her name and number and …
Jane? You know those fireflies, hold my hand and walk.
I left and she was upset. She dated Tom.
Dene competition, I was alpha male. They broke.
She asked me straight at 26 she was ready for kids. I said no.
A year later I became invited to her place for Mrs Robinson.
She tried again I said so?
She was worse now after this so I let her go.
5 years and no babies and nothing to show.
5 more years it was a go.
In a hotel in downtown on business. I was intense
I went downstairs and drank and met a flirty girl who bought me drinks.
I guess some reason she liked dinks.
the end.
Ill read this later and edit. This is boring.
Filed under: Bipolar, Depression catatonia, insomnia, Memory loss, Poetry, Quantum Field Theory, String Theory, Suicide
