OK time for a good ‘sup

I was in hospital once since they found my on the street unconscious. I drank black juice of potassium which was disgusting. The IV was attempted by the doctor and he kept hitting the bone in my right hand. I was in so much pain I left the hospital with hospital gown in the winter. I ran to my apartment which was really far. then a woman on ave D north stopped me and asked if I needed clothes she gave me her ex husbands clothes all of them. He was a well dressed man. I was better then my depression kicked in again from memories or videos of my sister, Ida’s last moment in life in a cell suffering from multiple organ failure. I lost a lot of sleep. I thought id leave the city to see my momsy. I took the bus and scheduled an appointment for a week later. Sarah stayed at my apartment in exchange for killing bats and ants. Probably removing the floorboards after the flood. I was very sick and one night at around 3am I walked to saskatoon. I remember thinking it was possible, nothing was impossible. I got a ride and got to saskatoon around 6am. I ate and walked to the back alley and puked. I was seeing things and this being Saskatoon no one came to my help. I went to the apartment and Sarah was there sleeping. I slept too but I was seeing things. I knew the levels of lithium was high as I could taste it. The metallic taste. I went to the 24/7 store and got some gatorate and drank.
Then the toilet for a few hours. I was crying and crying at my sisters death. I was taken to hospital in the ER and they checked my blood and found levels were good again. I had to eat. I then realised my wallet was missing. I called my mothers place and she had it there. I was stuck, well kind of. I had no means to get to battleford. Then a couple more hours of observation due to my previous cardioversion made it possible I might get that again. I expressed my concern to the doctor. Then As i left the nurse called me and she said. hey man I got you a bus ticket to battleford and a taxi. The bus leaves at 12.30.
The other one I told many times is the ECT 3 times a week for 3 months. Each time I was in physical pain and headaches. I would jsut lie in bed and suffer/pain. The new nurse would see me and give me pain meds. I would walk with her holding my arm. Then two days later this new nurse would do the same. Three months she still did not see an improvements. She told me who are these woman that see you in the hospital each day almost? I cant recall who I remember a nursing student seeing me and a friend with her father, who played the fiddle for us. Then several mathematicians came in for advice on algebraic topology and stuff. I could see the math proofs in the board and yet I cant remember doing it. Someone had my hand writing. She one morning at 630 she wakes me up and says stuff, secret stuff, and I told her I had a BMW, big morning wood. She laughed and she said “I don’t want you to have anymore of the ECT. Just stand up and we can talk later.”

I was able to leave in a couple days. I got home and read. Then I woke up in the psych ward with a WFT from the nurse. I had no idea. I was taken in by police after the pharmacist said I was not well.
I was having a seizure. I hope this story makes sense as this part of my life seems all jumbled and needs to be organised. I have to not tell some aspects because they are very weird and strange. More than when I was doing my thesis.

roll the dice

if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
otherwise, don’t even start.

if you’e going to try, go all the
way.
this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.

go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or 4 days.
it could mean freezing on a
park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you’ll do it
despite rejection and the worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.

if you’re going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
you will be alone with the gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.

do it, do it, do it.
do it.

all the way
all the way.

you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter, its
the only good fight
there is.

- Charles Bukowski