My addiction to alcohol was reminded very strongly yesterday evening. I craved alcohol. You know what you have to do when you have no one in the world to ever fucking help you when you have this desire to waste money and puke and piss your pantses? you watch a movie and sleep. Listen to the most depressing and saddest music on the earth. I watched “Leaving Las Vegas” with N. Cage and E. Shue. It was like I was drinking with him and chosen to die. I know I convinced myself that if I even drink again I shall die from it. My liver will give up or my heart. I shall walk the street begging for a little change. Oh yeah I already do that. I will sit in library hoping to meet a friend with change. I already do that. I will be homeless and sleep in the park. I already do that. Fuck. I am drinking without the fun alcohol. What the hell? Drinking and not drinking is no difference to me. I have the same end result. Белая горячка and bipolar psychosis are equally scary. Except I have no money. I have no desire to make that little money to buy booze. I cry alone and can’t sleep. I watched “Factotum” too. I used to have someone to talk with about most things like physics and maths when I used to drink. You see there are more reasons to drink than not. I don’t really see the point of living if I am not living. I am being alone and that is probably worse hell than having fun and laughing with like people. The day is still long and have to think about buying that bottle of whiskey. You see no one will phone me today and tell me there are better things than drinking alone. It is sitting alone and crying.
When I used to drink I spent my days with Jesi and made amusing pictures. You can see her Effexor and Chloral Hydrate. It was fun sitting there and talking about physics and strings and technical aspects of holomorphy. Or getting a call from Jane at noon and asking me to go out for lunch, her treat. Very sad life with a beautiful woman just because I drank. No it is stress of someone yelling at you and no appreciating your help for a week. Kids not speaking with you. I could drink and she could not speak with me. I can have a host of people not appreciate me when I am not drinking. I could easily be ignored on the streets and library if I am drunk. Easily. Nothing like that fun of showing off you can down a bottle of mickey of whiskey and having that shocked look on your face and others.
The fun of playing guitar and harmonica in the backyard on ave D north around a fire. People laughing and clapping along. Fuck it anyways. I miss NOT being alone. I still have the same sleep pattern as with alcohol. I sleep late or early and wake up at all times. I am exhausted most of the time. I can’t think clearly. My brain wanders to thinking about not being alone. Jane emails and nothing. I eat way to much and not walk anywhere. I sit and hide. If you weight the good and bads of drinking or not. Drinking wins no doubt. But for some reason it is a bad thing. Maybe drinking and eating at the friendship inn is better if you are not drinking.
If you are drinking in La Ronge this is what happens. 
Then you end you in Minnesota bar 400 Bar or Mekong 
So what is the point of not drinking? I get to say I didn’t drink for a while and that is a social virtue. Fighting the temptation to drink is fighting companionship and like minds. You could be thinking that I am wanting a reason to drink. Well it has been a daily thing for over a fucking year. It is fucking difficult to not drink and do it alone. I think about the kids and I want to drink. I think about characteristic classes and I want to drink. I think about string theory and I want to drink. I think about drinking and I miss it. SImple as that. I miss drinking. I miss just sitting in that dingy bar and sipping that cold beer and reading a novel. I would spend about 4$ per hour at 10hours or a bottle of whisky per day at half that. I then feel so bad that I have a reason to work harder at the physics problem or something. I stank but easily remedied with a change of clothes and a shower. I would meet a person just off work and bored out of her mind and begin talking about Amterdam or some shit. I would talk and laugh. Then go to her apartment after the offsales and skeet, skeet, skeet! you see fun and part of evolution minus the skeet skeet skeet part.
Ok time to get back to sleep and cry. Euphoric recall is much better than depressing consciousness.
You see I am smiling. I hate smiling. When Homelessness and poverty is caused by alcohol abuse it was understandable. But when it is caused by sobriety and working hard on the only thing you love to do, it is rather unsettling. Makes me angry of being lied to. Maybe society frowns upon me shacking up with a beautiful Swedish blonde and smiling. Not a way to live my life. I’d rather live under the broadway bridge and such. Now that is the way to do it. I don’t even fall asleep even there.
Another Euphoric recall that is horrible is working on catching financial crimes, I mean white people, and drinking at work because that is what they did over there. They called it File Clearance. I was scared at the first time I heard this. File clearance? what the hell is that? wednesday at 3pm all must attend. It was beer, wine and ‘skey and finger foods. Followed by Irish pub at 5pm on Sparks. I would rather be home and sleep. In vino veritas, in aqua sanitas
Filed under: alcoholism, insomnia, Memory loss, Sexy Friend, Story
