We need hate.

Some would venture to state that a negation of something is need for its existence. Good only exists if bad also does. THe absence of bad is good. So goes with hate, you can not love something without someone hating it. Assuming love and hate are opposites. There is indifference though. I really don’t know. Humans tend to find a word then try to define it. Try defining something then give it a word. Then put adjectives in front to do something to it. A gradation of love. You see there is a scale based on real numbers, which is made from Dedekind cuts of set of integers. Simple. The quantum is a word in front of energy meaning that energy at a scale where Planck’s constant is not zero is quantised or in discrete values. In units of Planck’s constand i.e for frequency.  That is all quantum means. Integers or half-integers depending on the observable you are measuring. Spin, Momentum, Hamiltonian etc. Self adjoint operators on a Hilbert space, aka Hermitian operators.  One set of axioms for quantum mechanics. What I am saying is that we need hate to love someone.

No, there is not a thin line between love and hate. There is, in fact, a Great Wall of China with armed sentries posted every twenty feet between love and hate.

People who know me or seen my movie know me as creative genius with bipolar disorder. People who really know me is hush hush. People who don’t know me , see an Indian or a native person.  They see the stereotypes that go along with it. This is a human reaction to seeing things. I have to take advantage of this fact. I usually see the cross the street to avoid me. This makes me happy I also don’t have to take to them. Then I have an exam to write, I fail and I say because of my culture.  Screw I can’t really think about this crap. Love is shite. It is used in Rotten Ronnies advertisement. So Love equates to something that is salty, fatty and unhealthy. I’m luvin it. I suppose it is that same feeling. Love is the feeling you get when the prostitute, you paid 200$ per hour for, actually hugs you as you cry in the fetal position.  Love is that feeling you get when you are falling asleep and thinking about all the mistakes you have made in your life and someone turns to you and says “get the fuck to sleep!” Love is that feeling you get when you finally tricked a woman into marrying you.

There’s an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there’s an evolutionary imperative why we don’t give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn’t function.

What the hell do I know? Don’t come to be for advice I can barely get up in the morning. I have to lay there and count one reason to wake up and make coffee. Usually it is because I have to pee. When I used to enjoy alcoholism I had a reason to wake up. Make eleven dollars before off sale opens and buy a bottle. Simple and interesting. I would collect cans. I would ask friends for change. I sometimes hocked stuff. I only needed ten dollars. Now this reason for existence is gone. I don’t really know what I exist for. I really don’t. No one wants me to teach then something. Given that it might be better if the teacher was native, especially in physics and maths, because you can never believe what a native person says. You check the proof yourself. You check the theorem for yourself. YOU can’t trust an indian with a math proof. If I said you would not believe me.After a while you would have to check for yourselves. This result will not get anything in practical in your life. If you believe that then you are ignorant. math is needed for computers to work. You don’t think magically a computer just made itself? Back to booze. Ok here goes another rant. I am an actor. An aboriginal actor. There i’m important for reading someone’s work. I reread Vonnegut’s last work again. it is funny.
The machine asked each other what it thought of people. The answer was “Obsolete”. What are people for? “Paranoia, schizophrenia, depression, greed, ignorance and stand-up comedy.” If god were alive today he’d be an atheist.

I used to enjoy taking pictures of things. I even had an art gran from Saskatchewan Arts Board. I suppose my pictures were that good to warrant a grant to do more from a panel of professional artsy photographers. I enjoyed the chemical reactions that took place as I put the paper in the developer. I made an enlarger. Those days are gone now. I don’t even have the will to take a photo on this macbook. This is the moment in the day called wall staring. It is total giving up on one’s existence and just sit. I am neither awake nor asleep. I am waiting. It is the same thing as hunting for moose. You wait. There is that false hope in there too. I know nothing better will happen. Fucking fact. I am told that I should fight for something. There is nothing to fight for.  I don’t strive for much. I spend the morning trying to get out of bed. I wait to get to sleep at night. I think about what I have done wrong. I can’t stand it anymore then I am asleep. I get up and nothing. Oh yeah I do eat that can of tuna. I write on this blog about nothing much. Just ranting about how life is shite. You know why it is shite because I chose it to be. I think that if I had a job I would be happy. I did have a job and I almost killed myself because of it. There was no reason for me being in that job. I did not care if someone laundered money. It is not my problem. I mentioned this to a boss and he thought my answer of me not caring about money was strange. Money in Dene means “for fun” and it was not fun to have money. I really cared about the NRC work though. It was fun building something and given freedom to work on string theory. I even wrote a paper there. This is kind of dead now. However, this paper has produced a lot of students with Ph.D. I can’t even get mine. This is so fucked up. People base their doctoral thesis on this paper and I don’t even gots one.  OK enough. Time to sit until 10pm.

Oh yeah I used to hang around this sort of people when I drank now I am alone. Alone means no one calls, noone emails. No one makes me feel anything. I tried I asked. So I suppose I have to scream it.  I suppose you have to make people think they thought of helping me all by themselves. I can not believe that because it is not true that humans help each other. It is not good for us. If you help me get out of this depression. I will feel like I didn’t do it myself. I owe you something usually of monetary value. This is bad thing to admit; I sometimes pay a person I meet 20dollars to listen to me talk. Like a hooker for listening. I friend for hire. I just ask one hour to sit and listen to my pain. This has what become of finding friends in my world. I answer the phone with “I have no money” instead of hello. Usually I won some money and need to give bank information, but I keep this person on just to talk to someone. I don’t give my bank information but I do tell her I love her. Not drinking has basically been all negative. except the books ive gotten. I can still read when I am drunk. I did my thesis mostly drunk so you can think of it as a product of drinking. Like that idea of changing coffee to theorems. You might be reading between the lines because you are very smart, but I am not wanting to drink. I don’t want to doing nothing is what I need. Absolutely nothing. To dreams no love no money just waiting. Waiting for death to finally take me to the cold earth.