It always has to be positive

1.  get money
2. Pay Rent.
3. eat food
4. walk
5. don’t drink alcohol
6. sleep
7. try not to die.
8. remember, always, there are no persons on the internet at all.

I suppose this is a typical rule to follow but not really necessary. I hope that makes sense but should not. Remember that having a bipolar thingy like I do I can never always be positive about things; I usually am not. It is not pleasant illness. Thoughts of death and life and pain and pleasure to the extreme limits is never fun for mortals. I however and very happy to have those books on physics that keep my brain busy and such crap. I am happy to write for two hours a day even though it will not amount to anything of value. I am writing something and doing two hours a day. I do recall long ago when I was in track and field training for the 1500metre and I stopped in the middle of a training session and asking myself why I am doing this. I thought it was fun and the women are beautiful and nice to look at too. This particular time was when I started running. I was very overweight byt about 30pounds. I walked up to John the distance coach and asked if I could join. My first year of university living on no food and a lot of sitting about reading and learning stuff. This is january. He said stretch and warm up and then do a couple 4′s which is track lingo for 400meters intervals. I did my thing and then the stop watch were ready. The first lap of the two hundred track was split at 23seconds…and then slower to 49sec. That was pretty fast. I did several more but being overweight I had to lose it. I did I starved myself for 3 weeks and only on enough coffee to keep studies up. I lost the 30pounds and was low on fats and low on mood. Then I started eating more meats which that girl i was with at the time thought was good idea. One egg a day, fish and water. I had to obey as she was very nice and german, you know those germans, all I think was Hitler …Hitler. I suppose she was really Russian as her parents are. Im thinking Stalin or Khrushchev. I really don’t know much about Russian history in extreme detail. Then I raced my first race. I was lined up with shorter people and I was very big for a distance runner. I was on the 3000 which is 15 times around the track. far. I was thinking about 10min jog since I was poised to be in the 400 and 800 later that day. I ran the 3000 in close to 8min 30 and i won. That was a long race. The 400 was ok. I was exhausted and ran 4th in there against the best of western canada. Not my race. I hit the fastest at 52. 3 sec slower than when I was chubbier. The 800 was really easy two races first to qualify and then run in front and if anyone passes, you in turn pass them. Then run like a bull-moose in the last lap. 1.55 a full 10second ahead of the second place.

When we’re not born yet, we know everything. Everything that will happen. When it’s your time, the angels of Oblivion place a finger on your mouth. It leaves a mark on the upper lip. It means that you have forgotten everything.

Outdoor season, Kristina was just the girl that jumped high and played soccer and ran along side me and talked german. Meine Deutsche is nicht so gut jetz. Then I moved into a basement room with shared everything. It was nice. One time she heard me play piano on campus and she gave me a “piano” which was just a sheet with marker notes on it. It was imaginary piano and I learned to hear the music in my head as I hit the plastic. I just played what was on the sheet music. I did get high school music award for guitar and piano. Not for singing. I was really busy computing the stuff as cleanly as possible. I didnt show my work as that was baring my brain open to its dark secrets of abuse and violent past. I kept it secret. I gave the answers and didnt get full marks but to my brain it was enough. I read string theory, the green bible. I did constant sit ups and push ups and fucked. I ate porkchops with apple sauce. I played the imaginary piano. I was at the track doing my puking painful 20 times 400 metres workout after a 50min run. This is what they consider very hard work out. I did this weekly and daily. I met a guy who was running and he was from Kenya and studying farming. He said I was running and training like those crazy Kenyans back home. I would jump up and down on the spot for a long time as high as I can. He started coaching me. Within the fall I broke the 4min mile. I was a big deal for runners. I would sit in the room and then head to the track and get massaged. I learned to massage too. I didnt want to.  I passed the course badly. I swtiched to maths and did a little better. Physics was very classical and more geared to engineers. Not a course on field theory at all. Not a course on gravity. It was electricity and magnets, Ad nauseam. I mean literally until I hated the subject with a passion. I avoid the subject at all cost now. I view people who study it with extreme prejudice.

Now back to today. I was thinking mostly about my dream. It was about the explosion we had when I was a child. Andy had made a grass fire and it got close to the gasoline tank and that exploded and the whole town ran far away. It was fucking awesome.

me running

.

That was about all I have to say about that.