Those Illusions of hallucination are mysterious

First, how did this all start. The boring cliche of childhood neglect etc is pretty standard. Boring boring. The waking up in the bed/gurney after 400volts potential difference is put in your brain is often scary. You are not you. You are a creature becoming self-aware. I have a macbook and that makes me not depressed; this is good but it is hard to explain how material and tools are attractive to some chicks in some cultures.

I recall when I was younger and told that I was to be smart. I tried hard and It was easy. Since I worked at things and read everything as cbc was the only tv channel and it only aird monty python late at night and star trek on saturday mornings. I had a lot of time in between to sit in the library which incidentally meant I could be away from the parties as I might have explained before but you also know I have memory issues. I forget things and people but i might be lying so just forget it. I read about everything in the encyclopedia. I read most the stupid books they had there. I graduated elementary at 12/13 but being that young i was told not to go to high school at a residential school. I spend another year doing nothing as I was already done. You see how I hate smart people; they are actually not smart. They like stupid people because it makes them feel good. Ego crap again.

I was shocked to learn that the only ancient languages he could read were Latin, Greek, and Hebrew, and that he knows almost nothing of mathematics beyond the elementary levels of the calculus of variations. When he admitted this to me, I found myself almost annoyed. It was as if he’d hidden this part of himself in order to deceive me, pretending— as do many people I’ve discovered—to be what he is not. No one I’ve ever known is what he appears to be on the surface.

Dr. Nemur appears to be uncomfortable around me. Sometimes when I try to talk to him, he just looks at me strangely and turns away. I was angry at first when Dr. Strauss told me I was giving Dr. Nemur an infe­riority complex. I thought he was mocking me and I’m oversensitive at being made fun of.

I even got in trouble and I learned to hide this brain stuff pretty good and it was easy for most people not to think otherwise. The people are supposed to be stupid. I should have remembered things. I remember meeting Sarah. She said the nurse acted differently around. So I woke up this morning with very similar symptoms. I woke up with hardly any recall about who I was and such. I would get medical help but I have no one in the world to be overly concerned or miss me very long so it really doesn’t matter if I do. You see self pity. I just sit there at my place and nothing but listening to footstep upstairs and putting one music and just lay there. I can not actually fall asleep. My brain seems to give up the function or awareness since pain is painful.

nothing else; i give up and gonna eat some ugly foods. I have no motive and MO if you will about moving. I am seeing things today but I know they are never reals. For Reals? yeah I see people at great liars to themselves.